Will you be there  —  To catch me when I stumble when I fall, When I fall
Its so very clear – You left me when I had no one at all — No one at all
(Creed – Time)

Had the intention that I will not write about the topic I totally suck at – beeing in a relationship. Didn`t want to. But deep inside I know I have to

Having the feeling, that there is somebody who belives in you, somebody who`s eyes are sparkling when you talk is worth opening yourself and finally forget what was supposed to be forgotten long time ago

Anyone shouln`t be allow to say “I love you” Not before sitting together after 30 years of a committed relationship on a parkbench watching the sunset together. We are too liberate with this expression. Thatswhy I will hold it in me. To have just the One person to tell it to. I did not say it when I had the chance to do so. And that is what I regret…

But this entry should not be about joy beeing with someone. It`s about loosing it all without knowing really the reason

As I take a look over the shoulder now, I know there are three major categories how the relationship is thrown to the abyss. The past five years made me a pro in beeing dumped, although I have so say I still don`t get it all.

The first is betrayal. One of you will someday find a way funnier, handsomer and cooler guy. Just face it, there is always someone better. My dad said once “If you think you are the best in doing something, there are always at least 3 other people on the planet who are better than you. But you are here and that makes the difference”. Not beeing around, not giving the best leaves space for the others., and I do not only have the physical pleasure in mind. Fill it or loose it.

The second is the problem to forgive and not accept the appologies of the other one. You have to know if the other one is faking it. To belive and be above is one of the crucial things I was missing on the other side the last years. Counted together with stopping to respect each other, this gives a good push down the hill.

The third is selfishness – A part is never the whole. Sometimes putting the own dreams to the side just to make space for the dreams of two is neccesarry to be one. Not to be there for, when the other needs it most and ignoring the hard times of the other  is quite a showstopper. To belive in someone, to have his/hers back, to offer the hand when getting from the dusty ground. That`s it, no additional magic required

Lot of people may object, that there are more reasons how the relationship ends. That’s true. And I will not say it ain`t.

Can`t really talk about my relationships, `cos there`s not really that much to talk about. In my own defence I tried. Always. And never gave up just like that. But what I learned – after breakup, never offer to stay friends. Let that one who got the knife in the back decide – He/she deserves it. If you dump someone, be honest and tell the truth. Because a man has to have the dignity, a cowardly lie will reach the shore someday – Down to the last – Never make promisses you cannot (or don`t really want to) execute. To break a promise means not really giving a damn about what you say.

A wise man just said – there is none bulletproof way how to handle a breakup, although there are several ways which are frequently used. As I am getting older (but not really not wiser though) I relly on the 100 liquor shot treatment. And I did it this time. Just few times, but it always helped. Not to have them alone and sad, but having quite a time with some of close friends. Or family. Or both.. At this very moment (May 12th) I am down to 14, which means it`s gonna be over for me in few weeks. I belive in it at least

I hate it when somebody is able to open my Pandorra`s box and let out what`s left of my feelings. and then slams the door with my weak Me outside the shell. There were times when all this was buried deep inside of me, because I thought I could never show my feelings towards another person. It was the year 2005 when I broke down and threw the last rose in the pit, turned around and whispered some of the lyrics of a song I heard a day earlier:

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you’re gone
You still mean the world to me

(Alter Bridge – In loving memory)

That was the reason to come to Brno, the main one. Nobody knew, nobody had a clue. Nobody knew her and because of this I burned all the bridges behind us trying to find myself again in this big world. And it helped, it helped a lot. For not even 5 years and I`m back where I started – But few more shots and I will pass that and return into my shell. However, this time I will stand my ground and stay. Brno is my home now

This time I have nothing left to loose
I’m stuck the second hand wont move
Its about time that I speak my mind
Its about time, about time to find
pieces of me I have lost without any choice I move on
in time you know friend of mine

PS: in memory of Katka

Advertisements