… starts something I cannot explain. A good buddy of mine once said that he does not understand why do I live my life so complicated. I am not able to answer that question. Generally maybe yes, but in case of one person, I am just not able to

When I wrote My honest apologies I thought for a while I could bribe my mind for a while. Well, I did – but just for a moment. Disassembling the bike carrier from the car roof always takes forever. Today It took even more, `cos I couldn`t figure out what I want or where to belong. I know my check-off list is been filled with passed steps, but there is one action point not getting done since I`ve started the list.

The reason is her. My closest friend and the only person beside my family who never let me down, you may call her my soulmate. Although we never been actual buddies (never partied too much together) I always treasured what we had (and have), but I wanted to get it to my head when considering the fact I needed a change. That`s why I figured out we have to stop whatever we were doing and I will move along. I made her cry in January, I made her think in may and made her cry today. I take those two as mine, and I as wrote I will never stop feelin guilty. But as I was struggling today with the bike carrier, I reversed our trip today from a perfect bike weekend in Vysocina. And I stopped at the answer she gave me when I asked if there are plans for her to buy a flat in Brno. She replied: I have no more reason to stay in Brno, so why bother. I am really slow in these moments, so I did not say anything what would matter. But I know I was sometimes mean, sometimes ignorant. But I always treasured her judgement (well, with one exeption). And in this case I understand what is she thinking about but I am just too afraid to say it loudly.

What I always wanted was to bring joy to my friends and make them feel they have someone they can depend on. But that is not enough in this case. I wish she would be happy, she would have a reason to laugh again. That is what I wish the most now. What I want is bring her the keys of my appartment, because I thrust her the most. I want that we will see each other, have fun together and get all done what we missed the last three 4 years. I wish to be her best man on her wedding someday – yes, laugh – but that’s what I dream of. I dream of a day she will be happy and forgive me. And forget about me. Because I deserve to be forgotten

What joy it brings to have a car, flat and a good job when you see someone that close is unhappy just because of you. I`ll answer that – none. With moisty eyes I want to write so much more, but I`m just not able to. Deleted aproximately 20 lines from this text, so I will call it a day and hope I`ll be smarter tommorrow

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