Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel
(Will you give it to me?)
It seems what’s left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me
(Will you give it to me?)

It`s me again. The days are passing by and soon`s gonna be Xmas. Crap. Another year gone by, another year older and still not wiser. Not only that. Somehow, I became a biatch and I don`t even know when. My pimp is my employer. Quietly more and more task were coming thru the summer and ended up with hell lot of responsibility. Said differently – that much can a dude wit my age and brain not handle. Which became clear to me few weeks ago when I started to be desprate. I like the place, I like the people and I like the way it goes. But it`s just too much. Starting with less than enough of time to focus on eating & sleeping. The presence it somehow grayisch

 

I am getting down. With the sickness. Figured out that the last days. No worries, still not eligible for a room w/o balcony in a local looney bin. Said in termins of a Role play game junkie – lost at least 20% of stamina, 25% of resistance to poison and 30% of endurance. See, that`s what am talking about – I am getting crazy. Feeling weak, sleepy and not motivated to do anything. As not giving up the fight, I see am loosing. But to die trying is better as not to do anyhing.

 

The house warming parties: Although the evil me is very unpopular lately, people were very nice to show up at the two possible dates. Tried to invite as many people as I can handle. People who I like and who are anxious how am I doing. Counted together 35 people came. Some couldn`t show up, some said no, some just did not show up. The energy was well spent, I guess. Did what I could and did try to organise it in the best way I was able to do it under this condition. Shopping for food & spirits, trying to estimate what`s gonna be everyone`s favor. Not to stay there after the weekend with 4 litres of wine what I really can`t find use for. I hope everyone had a good time, because I`ve tried really hard. And I`m sorry that I could not spend chatting with all the people the amount of tme which would be at least tolerant for a good host. Will do better next time, I promise. Browsing endlesly thru the few pictures I`ve made, searching for dull and bored faces. Once, twice and three times

 

The concert week – my weakend body deserved something totally different. A spa, confy bed and a good meal. The best I could do was loud music, icy & lousy beer and lot of night-time driving. But I was so looking forward. An escape from the escalations, revenues and failing servers. Driving on Monday to Vienna to see Alter Bridge, missing again a meal. Perfect show, but a bit loud. Standing in the cold. And driving back to Brno after midnight. That evening my soul got stronger, but the body lost another fight. To say honestly, it was worth the trouble. The second time I`ve seen the guys playing live. With some good buddies from Bratislava. A perfect evening one could say

The way home was calm, I came home in a good shape. The next day, however one setback after anotherbut one, is still physically very painful to me – decided to take some painkillers and have a small rest after the lunch (at 3pm, yeah – at least it was) but I`ve completely passed out. Woke up in the evening with dozen of Sametime messages and few missed calls. I`m sorry, guys – was no intention to do that. The next day I`ve got the truth out. Nobody said anything, but I`ve felt like a looser. Another doctors appointment and afterwards a decision that I will not see Disturbed , Papa Roach and few other bands on Wednesday. Screw the money for the ticket. Anyhow – second decision came in another minute and it was set. Driving back to Bratislava. And be happy that a buddy took his car and did not let me drive. A bit dissapointing show of Disturbed, a perfect one by Papa Roach and Halestorm. The energy was flowing in my head and gave me hope. But the body was just getting weaker

 

Sitting now in Vrutky. With all the parent care I can get. Considering what`s gonna come next, because I don`t want to be the trouble. Pretending to be okay

 

And now the truth – I am sick. No kidding. Don`t ask me what`s the diagnose. Because after few medical checks even the doctors do not really have a clue. A combination of  physical and spiritual burn out. My body is loosing power, my spirit became a ghost of once I`ve been. I feel 20 years older and the worst thing is – I don`t see a way out. When leaving for a short 2 days of vacation, my german collegue wished me to get better. Hell, I can`t get better in two days. Once on the way from germany I was looking for a nice thick tree next to the road. It`s a joke people. Or not? Truth is I will have to start fighing. For myself. Because if there is one person in the world which despects my current state, is ME

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