It was 2.30am today. And hoping for something which didn`t come already for days. Had few msgs ready, but erased them all. Why bother as it does not make sense at all when I start thinking about it. Wanted to write few IM`s, but i don`t want to force anyone into a converstation with me. Grown ups don`t do that. Shall I really wait for a bus which has been canceled few years ago? As there are few things still undone, I have to close those doors behind me before I would even dare to peek in another. Just not having the guts todo it.

Furthermore all my 8/24 daily hours make no sense now.There has been a “change”. The last day lies somewhere in 2013
A year ahead with nothing where to move. Because it`s gonna be gone
A year ahead with almost no travels. I regret that already
A year ahead i promised to walk by a friend. I will keep that promise
A year ahead of torture and fight with demotivation. Because thats the kind a guy I am
A year ahead of work just to earn money. Because there won`t be anything besides that
A year ahead to start making decisions again. Because I need to know where i belong

There is a short history, but one of the longest periods of continuity in my life. This is where I got the feeling, that a “job” can make fun.A oportunity where I met lot of people and some of `em I call friends today. This will be taken away from me and there is nothing I can do about it

Jobless? No, not really. But why should I do something in which I don`t see any future in it. No good feeling about a job well done. No satisfaction and no freedom to start with. There are moments I would like to paint boats somewhere in a little port somewhere in Portugal. Or dive for Pearls in Australia. Or jump the first plane and head west to the endless Nevada deserts or canadian forests.The lazyness in me is killig me – but I will have to fight it. Opened yesterday. As there is nothing which keeps me here, i might give it a thought or two. Is it too late to start again? I don`t think so – There is never late.

There was time i was in a simmilar situation. A turn is a turn. I don`t regret making this turn. But i do regret the possibilities I haven`t used, but as the sun will raise tommorrow morning, so will I.